A Letter to Mom Re: Game of Thrones

Posted: May 29, 2014 in INDIRECT ANGER

hand-of-the-king-seal-01Mom,

Ever since you told me you were going to start watching Game of Thrones I’ve been helping you to understand the various characters, themes, and history behind the show. This letter is to let you know some key points, based on the questions you keep asking hourly: 

Ned and Eddard at the same guy. It’s his nickname. No, it’s not mean to say he’s ineffectual and rigid. Everyone says that.

Robert BaraTHEON and Theon are not related. It’s just a coincidence, or more likely laziness.

No idea why there’s so much doggy-style on the show. Guess the missionary position wasn’t invented yet.

Jaime and Cersei are siblings, and they get it on. Yes, just like dad’s family from down in West Memphis. No, the Lannisters also don’t jar their own pickled pork.

Yes, Jon Arryn was the Hand of the King. And “Neddard” is the new one, except it’s “Ned” or “Eddard” (Please review the first point.)

The Hand of the King is kind of like the vice president except he can actually do something. And everyone likes him, unlike the VP. And to head off your next question, Veep and Game of Thrones are not in the same universe.

So was Dany Targaryen’s. Jaime killed him. There’s about to be a lot more kings, so try to keep a list or something. Be prepared to cross a lot of them off. Like the list of dead rappers I keep in my room.

If you need a running translation of what Kit Harrington is trying to say let me know, I’ll give it a shot. I speak fluent mouth breather.

An old saddle was not brought to life by a child’s wish to marry Ned. That’s just Michelle Fairley.

Comparing the Hound’s face to pizza is ruining that food for me. I can’t see anything but Rory McCann whenever I have a slice of pie.

Richard Madden has a big head. You got that one right.

Littlefinger is not an homage to Snidely Whiplash. That’s just bad acting.

If you have anything else, Mom, just ask. Or, even better, just read the books I keep buying for you.

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Comments
  1. Bo Donovan says:

    Love the letter to your mother. Clearly explains the questions that many have…not just parents. Perhaps you should compile all your letters (presuming there are more) and publish a book? Call it GoT 101 – A Book for GoT Dummies. I am sure it will be well received!!!

  2. Liliana says:

    Amusing, but the comment at Michelle Fairley is completely uncalled for. 😡 She’s a lovely and very talented woman.

  3. a fan says:

    How did Robert Baratheon kill Balon Greyjoy posthumously? Or did you mean that kid what was renamed for the show? The humor here is great but I often wish you double-checked your facts. This is like the fringed sleeves thing.

    Also his name is Richard Madden, if you mean the guy who played the Mountain in Season 2.

    I wonder if you can appreciate the irony here. I certainly can. 🙂

  4. teageegeepea says:

    “Theon’s dad was once king. So was Dany Targaryen’s. Robert and Jaime killed them, respectively.”
    Theon’s dad outlived Robert, I thought. But I’ve only watched the show.

  5. Scot says:

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