The upcoming match of Team Lannister versus Team Stark is proving to be one of more hyped events of the Westeros Cup. Team Lannister is bankrolled and sponsored by the Iron Bank of Braavos, one of the wealthiest names in the game. Despite this they have not been able simply to buy their way into true Westeros Cup contention.
Team Stark, meanwhile, has been absolutely thrashing their competition. They first breezed past Team Bolton, which spent most of its time flaying farmer’s children on the sidelines. Team Burned Men proved an easy victory, most of whom had ritualistically burned off their limbs earlier in life. Team Stark captain Ned “The Head” Stark scored 14 goals himself, while goalkeeper Hodor did not even have to attempt to make a save. Hodor, the second-string keeper was put in after a tragic early game injury sidelined emerging star Bran Stark, likely forever.
In a post-match interview the Team Stark netminder with strangely upturned white eyes modestly commented, “Hodor!”
But the true test of the Northmen came when squared off against an over-fancied Iron Island side. In the first minute, Team Iron Islands proclaimed they were “paying the iron price” and began lethally raiding and pillaging all of the spectators in the stadium, allowing Team Stark forwards Arya and Sansa to score repeatedly. Team manager Jon Snow dutifully kept score for his team and prepared skins of water for his illustrious and all-around better-than-him squadmates.
Team Lannister, meanwhile, is a squad in utter turmoil. Manager Tywin Lannister has been unable to leave his privy due to a scorching case of Heart and Bowelquarrel. Team Captain Jaime Lannister famously lost his hand in last year’s finals in a tragic rape-related defensive maneuver. The longtime Lions skipper was also red-carded in his previous match for constantly fouling Cersei, despite the fact that they are on the same team.
Cersei herself is no stranger to discipline, having been reprimanded for repeated handballs. Lannister goalkeeper Tyrion, meanwhile, continues to insist he’d serve the team better as their mascot. Meanwhile, team defenders the Brothers Clegane have spent most of their backfield time the last few matches attacking each other, drinking wineskins, both attempting and preventing rape, and eating a disturbing about of chickens.
Rounding out the current Westeros Cup standings, Team Martell has continued to lose every match they play, while their opponents later all die mysteriously. No one cares about Team Tully. However, Team Targaryen, widely seen as having the most powerful squad in the league today, cannot seem to find the stadium.
Can the Lions of the West contend with the Northmen? They’ll have to, with Team Tyrell getting three points thanks to striker Loras coming from behind to score on Team Baratheon’s keeper Renly in last Tuesday’s match.
Team Stark is now taking the field. Oddly, they seem to be entering to a poorly-performed rendition of a song about rains and halls.