Muttonface – Real Estate Pitch for the Seven Kingdoms

Posted: July 14, 2014 in INDIRECT ANGER


The common conception about the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros is that they are dirty, dangerous, and poor. It’s true that constant fighting, looting, and gang violence plagues the Seven Kingdoms. However, with a little preparation, common sense, and using motivated sales techniques a bundle can easily be made.

Most of the denizens of Westeros are excessively bearded. Beards, even when they’re crawling with parasites dues to years of accumulated mutton and bread crumbs, denote wisdom, virility, and an eccentric whimsy. To boot, citizens of the Seven Kingdoms often go weeks or even months without bathing. Perfect for goofy neighbors!

While some say that gang violence will drive buyers away, the argument could be made that constantly having to watch one’s back for marauders on horseback adds to the local color. Why, just the other day, a baby was impaled on a  spear by none other than a Mallister man at arms. Dig that indigo and eagle! You can’t buy that type of kitschy publicity. And isn’t each moment in life that much more exhilarating when you might end talking the business end of a maul to the face?

The local crafts scene is positively bustling. Basket weaving, iron smelting, and “roughspun” (a colloquialism!) cloth making are amongst the many arts practiced by the locals. In addition, much like some areas in West Africa, a blade can be obtained in Westeros for the price of a chicken. How convenient!

A word about the healthcare in the Seven Kingdoms: isn’t ONE ON ONE treatment the very best? Who wants to go to some overcrowded hospital or clinic, pay some nominal fee, and receive top grade treatment from a licensed and experienced provider? I know if I was suffering from an arrow wound to the throat I’d want to get the deft touch of a maester wearing a gray robe and a chain! Never mind the fact that said person may or may not have any practical experience and only the noble can afford their services. It all adds to the fun experience of being grievously wounded in a new locale.

Do you like snow? Excessive heat? Rainfall? Westeros has it all! For years on end! Perfect for people who like weather. We’ve got it!

In summation, eager new homebuyers who can dig into a gritty, colorful, and ultimately deadly place to live and swing a sword fairly well will absolutely love to live in Westeros.


by Muttonface


  1. Czernobog says:

    I’m from Croatia, but Dubrovnik is not King’s Landing. This is King’s Landing

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s