(San Diego, CA) San Diego’s elite SWAT team and the FBI Bomb Squad were called in to the Convention Center today after receiving a tip off that terrorist activity was afoot.
In anticipation of today’s San Diego Comic-Con, scores of comic enthusiasts had mobbed the Center. One fan, dressed as a young Bruce Wayne from the new Gotham series, spotted a wide-framed white male of middling height with a ponderous beard and waddly gait unloading several suspicious looking bakery boxes from the back of his van. The suspect was later identified as George Raymond Richard Martin, 65, of Santa Fe, NM.
“It seemed odd,” the fan, Frank Valdez, of Pacoima, CA said. “Those of us who have been waiting in line for months have been slowly consuming the flesh of one another. Like the men on Skagos, or when a heavy host is trying to march through the snows on Winterfell. This is Comic-Con tradition. So, who is this guy bringing his own food?”
His misgivings were confirmed when the intrepid Valdez noticed Martin was attempting to disguise himself with the fans while emplacing the bakery boxes of bombs. The portly author had attempted to stuff himself into a suit of plate mail, and was also calling for a breastplate stretcher.
When the SWAT team was called in, it was found that evildoer Martin had planted his dirty bombs at several key points throughout the Convention Center, especially targetting HBO, Harry Potter, and My Little Pony.
San Diego SWAT Captain Tony Capasso stated the explosives consisted primarily of lethally sharp pizza crusts, Kandy Korn, and jagged tortilla chips. The igniter was Cheerwine soda cans, shaken up, with Pop Rocks providing the explosive catalyst.
“If the bombs had detonated the convention goers inside would unfortunately have been slain,” Capasso told reporters. “A withering superheated rain of delicious foodstuffs would have spelled their doom.”
Police quickly apprehended GRRM as he slowly attempted to make his getaway.
When questioned, the author’s only statement reportedly was, “I KEEP TELLING EVERYONE! JON SNOW IS SIMPLY EDDARD STARK’S BASTARD CHILD! IT’S IN THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE FIRST BOOK! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE PLOT ANYMORE!! WHERE ARE THESE HELLACIOUSLY STUPID THEORIES COMING FROM?!”
by Muttonface, AngryGoTFan.com Staff Correspondent