(ANGRYGOTFAN EDITORS NOTE: WHILE THE BOOKBURNING USUPER DAVID BENJIOFF CONTINUES TO REFUSE MY REPEATED CHALLENGES TO SINGLE COMBAT HE AGREED TO MEET WITH AN EMMISSARY OF MINE ANGERGUARD IN A NEUTRAL LOCATION TO DISCUSS TERMS AT A CERTAIN INN ALONG THE KINGROAD HERE IS THE WRITTEN ACCOUNT OF THE UNPRECEDENTED EVENT)
By Angerguard Knight Servant On Ice @ServantOnIce
Today I had the pleasure of sitting down with Mr. David B. That’s right, the Usurper! Arguably the stronger half of the two Supreme Book Burners! Book burners are the enemy, and as we all know, are the greatest threat to the true doctrine of His Grace GRRM. Luckily, one of them agreed to meet with me to discuss his view of the sacred texts of His Grace GRRM known to we mortals as, “A Song of Ice and Fire.”
This man once read the books as we did and loved them. Unfortunately, He loved the books so much that he was moved to develop his own cringe-worthy fan fiction for HBO and idiots. It is time he answered for his crimes!
Servant On Ice (SOI): First, let me begin by saying thank you Mr. David B. for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me.
The Book Burner David B (DB): No problem, you’re welcome. I am happy to be here and to finally straighten things out with you guys.
SOI: Okay, what things need to be straightened out?
DB: This whole Army of Anger foolishness, I mean, really? We are doing our best on this show, and it’s been nominated for and won so very many awards. The actors are just great, HBO has been great and we are working hard every single day getting things done, not just criticising.
SOI: What things are those?
DB: We have a new vision for Dorne. I know, I know, you have read the book, so you know how boring the Dornish are. There are only three Dornish points of view and we are working to really fix that and bring Dorne that to life. That’s a tall order with only Arianne, Areo Hotah and Ser Arys Oakheart.
SOI: Yes, but why leave out Arianne this season?
DB: We are working on a secret project. We can’t tell you but we have some major casting news post Comic-Con to share and you will enjoy it.
SOI: The Army of Anger feels that you have gutted all the best aspect of the series and have catered to the braindead who will never read the books.
DB: You believe in bull piss. The reality is that we, Dan and I, work hard on this show and we have met with GRRM and know him personally. We have worked out every single character in the series. Some background characters had to be left on the cutting room floor like Strong Belwas, Ser Lyn Corbray, Ser Courtney Penrose, Jeyne Westerling, Willas Tyrell, and all the court fools, just to name a few. They just aren’t necessary because well all know, all that really matters is who ends up on the Iron Throne in the end. I am not telling you but you can be certain it isn’t Daenerys or Jon Snow, who we also considered cutting.
SOI: Wait? You DO know the secret of the Iron Throne?!
DB: Of course we know, you blithering idiot! GRRM told us. You have to realize that this whole story is a giant tragedy of mankind pursuing power. You know GRRM is a Radical Atheist Liberal who hates Bible-thumpers like you.
SOI: Yes, but even GRRM has to answer to God.
DB: Yes, well…um I hate to have to say this, I know but shouldn’t you be reading C.S. Lewis or Tolkien? You know, fantasy writers who have your world view?
SOI: You mean authors who went to World War One saw huge tragedies and risked their lives in real violence while folks like you hide behind intellectual walls in the lap of luxury?
DB: Uh…Yes…Regardless, this is what you have to accept. We know the end and we know that the show is much better than GRRM’s long-winded books.
DB: The books are too cluttered, there’s too much advanced writing, too many characters, and too many ties into religion, culture, language and art. The books are too advanced for the average cable TV viewer. Nothing even happened since the third one, and did you know there’s a whole book without Tyrion and the dragons? We just skipped that one.
DB: We dumbed it down, we took the work of GRRM and we made it simple enough for the folks who like violence, nudity, and profanity to understand and enjoy all while Dan & I enjoy vast wealth and enormous ratings. Once this show is over, Dan and I are set for life. We will have projects and power that you could never dream of writing on your internet blog with other loser fans like Elio, Linda, Johnny, and AngryGoTFreak. You are a loser, because you know who Bronze Yohn Royce is and because you know about a bowl of brown and Singer’s Stew.
SOI: Wow, that’s really insulting.
DB: Bro. It’s not an insult, its simply the truth. The truth is, we have taken the books and created our own show and you and the rest of your kind are just jelly. We have GRRM’s ear, we have the end and we will finish our show before GRRM finishes his books. We will win, we will end the series and spoil who is on the Iron Throne before Book VI even hits the shelves!!! GRRM writes too slowly and has lost interest in the books, bro. He doesn’t care anymore. He wants to do other things. He is done with ASOIAF, he is done with GoT he is just going to have fun and live his life, doing what he wants and not worrying about pissants like The Army of Anger.
SOI: This is terrible, this is bad for us who love his books and know that the show would be better if it stuck closer to original canon.
DB: Like Ramsay dog-raping and skinning women? Like Patchface singing foolish songs? Like Butterbumps? Like Left and Right being 7-feet tall? Like a white Areo Hotah? Or like a Cersei who isn’t stick skinny?
SOI: Yes!!! Like great works, like Lady Stoneheart, Like Liver and Onions…Doesn’t it bother you that you have done something really illegal with GRRM’s work?
DB: When the Executive Producers do it…it is not illegal!
SOI: Then what is it then? You took one of the greatest works of human literature and ruined it. Like Gus Van Sant did to “Romeo and Juliet!” Like every Marvel Movie ever made, like the Joel Schumacher Batman movies! Like the Star Wars prequels!
DB: Like Michael Bay did the Transformers? He made millions ruining your stupid 80s and early 90s show. He made millions from folks who can’t remember who Starscream is or Wheeljack or Prowl are moments after they’ve seen the bloody movie, and he’s about to do the same to Ninja Turtles! Deal with it, Bro! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
SOI: You have the knowledge but are corrupted by greed and all the things it provides. Unforgivable.
DB: I’ve seen all the actresses in the flesh, pantless. What have you done?
SOI: You are an evil man, you are sick and GRRM should have never allowed you to pollute his work.
DB: GRRM can’t stop me, no one can stop us…no one!! We have even added Cog-Man! We are teaching a class in UVA that will spread our poisoned view of GRRM’s work encouraging students to make their own fan fiction! We even have a new twisted plan for Stannis, your favorite living character. Do you want to know how he dies?!
SOI: I know he will die and when he does, he is dead. Seven rest his soul. I know that Stannis will die an even more gruesome death than GRRM originally intended on your cruel mockery of the books TV show. But know this. While I live and while the Army of Anger exists, we will stand against you, Danny B., against HBO, UVA’s lame class, and against anyone who dare defiles the books!!!
DB: I am outta here, I got a massage and then some more stuff to make up for those unfinished books…maybe we will have Stannis slip on a banana peel? LOL! Good-Bye.
SOI: Wait, just one more thing before you go.
DB: What is that?
SOI: The world will end someday, TV will end as well, and eventually, this TV show will be edited and end up on A&E and later on Lifetime. Future generations will see a watered down version of your show and then one day they will read the books and see what the truth is. You can’t beat the truth; the truth always wins in the end. The world is not written by Dave and Dan or HBO, but by the facts.
DB: You’re right! We are going to end up between endless re-runs of The Golden Girls and Fraser!! ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! *face melts*
SOI: This concludes our interview and in the end, the books win. Literature will be here until the end of the age.
Servant On Ice @ServantOnIce
Book Reader since 2011
Optimist Since 298 AL
(ANGRYGOTFAN SECOND EDITORS NOTE: LOOK AT THESE PICTURES THIS GUY IS REALLY NOT A HAPPY PERSON)