SUPER SECRET//FOR ARMY OF ANGER USE ONLY
THE BOOKBURNER TAPES
(NOTE: ALL DISCLOSED SURVEILLANCE ACTIVITIES CONDUCTED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE LAWS OF THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW AND THEREBY EXEMPT FROM PROSECUTION BY THE LAWS OF MAN)
The following Tapes are recordings of meetings between Daniel B. Weiss, David Benioff and cast on the show, “Game of Thrones” they were recorded in July 1st 2014 through August 8th2014.
Transcribed by Servant On Ice and Angry GoT Fan
Obtained covertly from a member of the Army of Anger’s clandestine Book Impurity Recon & Deviation Security (BIRDS) who secretly works behind the lines on the HBO production staff of “Game of Thrones” and tricked David and Dan into recording all meetings.
David Benioff: DB
Daniel B. Weiss: DW
George R.R. Martin: GRRM
Nick. C. Waldau: NCW
Kit Harrington: KH
Malaise Williams: MW
Emilia Clarke: EC
Sibel Kekilli: SK
Tape I July 1, 2014 5:00 A.M. GMT
DB: This is a test, is this thing recording?
DW: Yes this is working, its going well, sounds clear, we should be able to use this for our notes for our script writing that will help us this year as we prepare for Seasons 5 and 6.
DB: Good, we need to keep track of information that we have been receiving, and discussion on the scripts, we have a lot to go over and good ideas from us and bad ideas from those books to fix, it is going to be a long year.
(Emilia Clarke walks in)
EC: Hey Dave and Dan
DB: Hello, Emilia, how are you today?
EC: It is very hot out in Spain this summer we are working pretty well. I do miss the dragons, though. Why haven’t they been around?
DB: Well, they will be back later in some great CGI scenes.
EC: Yes, I know CGI is expensive but I have an issue I wanted say.
DB: Yes, we are aware of that issue, your acting is limited and wooden unless you are speaking Dothraki and that’s only because we edit in words under the gibberish you are screaming.
DW: In spite of that we believe you can still be a decent Khaleesi.
EC: No! That was more of the directors having me look like a reject from those awful Star Wars prequels with my wooden acting and bad lines.
DW: Don’t forget your lame facial expressions.
DB: Well, we will see you for taping in August. Oh and make sure you keep up the daily exercise you haven’t done a nude scene in years and the executive producers say we have to fix that.
EC: But I said I don’t want to anymore.
DB: You signed the contract. So do what we say or we’ll send you back to the SyFy Channel. Now get out.
(Tears, likely Emilia’s, as she walks out)
DB: Since when does she think her opinion matters? She is my creation to use as I see fit.
DW: Yes, my lord, she is. We need more High Valyrian scenes this season, we can add some since we won’t be following those awful books.
DB: The books really are terrible. A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons were horrible reads. They didn’t even have any battles. I am glad we get to do our own adaptation and cut out all the lame.
DW: Yes, my master.
Tape II July 10th, 2014 at 12:00 PM GMT
(GRRM enters carrying a half-eaten birthday cake)
DW: Not again.
GRRM: Hiya guys, how are my two favorite fan boys doing? What do you have in store this season? As you know I am working on “Winds of Winter” and won’t be writing a script at all this season. The good news is the book will be done before you start working on Season 6.
DW: We miss you GRRM, we need you to help us continue our destruction of your great work, oops I mean our adaptation of your great work.
GRRM: Now, cut the crap. I know you guys are going to ruin my story! I spent decades on this, how can you two do this to me? TO ME?
DB: Listen up, old man, you are fat and old. You need to hit up a crossfit gym and do a year of paleo and let us finish your story. We are the keepers of the Game of Thrones universe, not your fans, not you, US! Forever!
GRRM: I should have never signed that deal. You guys have ruined my story, you have turned Loras into a whore monger, you gave Ramsay Snow a girlfriend and turned Jaime into a rapist instead! Then you turned Stannis into Oliver Cromwell and ruined the Riverlands storyline. No Lady Stoneheart? She’s a POV character in the last two books and you just cut her?!
DB: Lord Piggy, we have a schedule to keep, so if you are going to continue whining we are going to throw you out. Know this, we love you GRRM we do, but you have books to write and our show is much more important than those books. It’s like when you love someone but you tell them they need to change since you know what’s best for them.
DW: Yes, GRRM the show is now the true heart of the Game of Thrones franchise, and it is making the three of us very, very rich. So be happy, write your books. Write another Wild Cards, or some fake history junk. Who cares? We will finish our show.
GRRM: I suppose you are right, I suppose…
DB: You can suppose all you want. You signed the contract and that is all there is to it. Now listen here, old man, get to writing your books, we will use our imagination and put Darnerys on the Iron Throne our way.
GRRM: What?! That’s the most obvious ending! It wouldn’t surprise anyone! My loyal fans, the book readers, will never go for this! I thought I told you, (audio unintelligible) ends up on the Iron Throne! It will be my way, the right way, I will not submit! I will…
(GRRM is thrown out by all three actors who played The Mountain)
DB: Man, he can be really whiny . . should we tell him we have Gendry hang gliding into King’s Landing on our season finale?
DW: No, my lord, let us let him sweat and then defend us publicly like he did the Cersei rape scene, I remember he was pissed at us but he still towed the company line, he always does. Jaime raping Cersei, I was pretty unsure about that one. Cog-man still won’t talk to us. I am glad we put on a solid face to the public, but man we have made a ton of mistakes.
DB: Shut up you wimp! We haven’t made mistakes, we have created greatness, in our pursuit of greatness! Remember Talisa? Or when I played emo-punk rock after Jaime got his hand cut off? My genius is limitless.
DW: Yes, master. I thank you for keeping me focused.
TAPE III July 28th 2014 9:31 AM GMT
DW: Wow-wee. There were some hot chicks at Comic Con, some good looking ladies did you see that one lady dressed up as the Scarlett Witch? Yowza!
DB: Some nice Dany impersonators as well, but the Scarlett Witch and some of the Anime ladies, ah yes, sweet pieces of meat.
DW: Speaking of sweet meat, Sibel Kekilli is here to see us.
DW: She’s played Shae for the past four years…
(Sibel walks in)
SK: Hey guys! Good to see you Dave and Dan.
DB: Yes, what do you want?
SK: Thank you both again for having me on the show, it was a lot better than doing…those adult films…
DB: Yes we know, good for you to finally have a real job where you keep your clothes on. (laughing). What can we do you for?
SK: Umm I don’t do those movies anymore . . remember . .?
DW: That is an expression . . . forget it . . what’s up?
SK: I want to play Lady Heart Stone. I know Michelle’s unavailable and I think people would like to see me come back
DB: You mean Stoneheart? She’s
not in our story
SK: But she is in the books, you remember? She’s kind of important I think.
DW: Books? What Books?
SK: A Song of Ice and Fire? By George RR Martin, you know the fat old man I met, who is a nice man.
DB: The books don’t matter, the books would not make a good TV show, this is our project no Stoneheart, no Belwas, No Donal Noye, No Coldhands, No Jeyne Westerling, No Arianne, etc.
SK: Can I play like that lady Quaithe or something where I wear a mask? I just need the work. Its hard since folks hated my character so much, they blame me for Tyrion being on the run, and killing his father even though it was really Tysha…
DB: DO NOT SPEAK THAT NAME BEFORE ME!!!!!! DAN FINISH HER!!!
(DW leaps up and repeatedly stabs SK in the neck with the Hand of the King pin he wears)
DB: Clean up this filth. I have characters to make up.
That Same Date at 11:43 AM GMT
DW: It’s Nick, my lord.
DB: Let him in, we can’t piss of Nick
NCW: Rowing to freaking Dorne, are you kidding me? This is asinine!
DW: We are sorry, we think it is a good change
DB: Yes, we are working on the script and we like it, we think it is good for you
NCW: I am upset, this is dumb, why not have me in the Riverlands continuing my father’s work? Or at least somewhere in Essos looking for my brother? Dorne? Dorne? This is folly… I am not happy
DB: Calm down, Nick. We will make sure you have good lines and good face time. You’ll be in some more Guillermo del Toro movies in no time. Maybe Pacific Rim 2.
NCW: You better not mess this up. You know how much I hated raping Cersei last season, and women’s rights groups all over the globe complained, that was horrible, no raping this year, not even a little.
DB: How about a steamy sex scene with you and with Oberyn’s widow? That will be fun
NCW: As long as I’m not raping her
DB: No promises
DW: It is done we will add it to the script and she thinks you are hot we all do, NCW can you send me a selfie?
NCW: You’re not my type… Goodbye (walks out)
TAPE IV August 5, 2014 10:34 PM GMT
(Maisie WIlliams is eating taquitos)
DB: Well, young lady, do you like Braavos?
MW: I do, I like it very much, I like the fact you gave me a shot gun, a sniper rifle, a machete, a rocket propelled grenade launcher, some nice needles, and some good chemistry sets for me to work on.
DW: We made some changes from the books, they are archaic we are doing what we can to let folks who are not intelligent enough to read the books and comprehend literature to understand you are an assassin. Plus we liked the lab stuff from Breaking Bad so we stole it.
MW: Good, good, I like it, I also like the skateboard, and the jetpack, good stuff, I will enjoy this season.
DB: We know you will, you are one of GRRM’s favorite characters so we kept you as close to his story as possible.
MW: Can I get a boyfriend this season? I really want some on screen kissy face. Get shirtless Jacob from Twilight.
DW: OMG, yes
DB: Sure, whatever, I’ll say he’s a Faceless Man werewolf warrior Lycan in training. And he falls in love with you and everyone will love it.
MW: Yay! (Skips out the door)
DB: Ah, Kit, how are you?
KH: SUP, BROSKIS?!
DW: Hello Kit, how are things up in Iceland and Northern Ireland? We will see you on the 16th of August and we will be ready with your new hair gel.
KH: Good, thanks for all your help. I am in movies, I am at hockey games, the fans love me. And Rose Leslie? Yeah, I’m hittin’ that, dawg!
DB: You are a good guy, a true action hero.
DW: You have some great action scenes, since we hate Stannis we are going to kill him off next season by slipping on a banana peel. You will lead his force into the battle with the Others.
KH: Wait, what about fighting the Boltons at Winterfell?
DB: We are speeding up the story, the Wall will be attacked and you will marry Shireen and will defend the Wall against the Others and save the realm, then you will fight the Boltons.
KH: Okay, good, good as long as I get good face time, the ladies love my face.
DW: Yes, they do . . and…
KH: I’m not sending you selfies Dan
DW: I love the move, “Pompeii” I have seen it 30 times and…
KH: Um yes, I love the song too… (sings that song by Bastille)
DW, DB, KH: and I’m going to be an optimist about this . . and when you close your eyes . .
KH: and the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we areeeeeee
DW: But if you close your eyes… nothing changed at all
KH: I love this song, and love my movie, I love you guys!!
DW: All right, good day and see you later and would you like to ride a tank?
KH: Sure, add a tank, who needs a dragon? We are doing it as we want, we are making it up as we go along we are.
DW: Yep. Call me
KH: (mouth breathing)
(KH walks out in search of more air for his mouth)
DW: This is going to be a great season, should we till KH about the Ides of Bowen Marsh?
DB: Nope, not yet . . plus I may replace the daggers with a cruise missile.
DW: Excellent idea! Now, one last thing, are we sure we want Melisandre to stay clothed this season?
DB: Yes, she has been naked the last three seasons, and we have to have Carice do something other than tweet about soccer and her bad singing.
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“Dave and Dan are the Enemy, Dave and Dan are the Enemy, Dave and Dan are the enemy . . . write that 100 times on a chalkboard and never forget it.”
Servant On Ice
Book reader since 2011