GRRM Quits Writing As Favorite Diner Closes

Posted: September 24, 2014 in INDIRECT ANGER


(SANTE FE, NM) In the spunky desert (and dessert) town of Santa Fe, the closing of an area diner spells trouble for fans of A Song of Ice and Fire.

Sunrise Café has been dispensing cold drinks, hot food, and their signature apple pie with homemade vanilla ice cream to area residents for decades. GRRM started to haunt the restaurant decades ago whenever he would get “stuck on food” during spells of writing the award winning fantasy series.

“Whenever I’d get hungry I’d dwell on the culinary aspects of the Seven Kingdoms, making for boring, gluttonous reading,” GRRM has written in his Not a Blog blog. “That’s when I knew I had to head over to the Sunshine for some Tuna Surprise.”

But now it appears the blue plate meatloaf specials, baba ghanoush, and ominously underpriced seafood are a thing of the past. With the author spending so much time not writing, the Sunshine has had to close it’s doors.

“Since the HBO series started we have seen less and less of George,” headwaiter and Egyptian émigré Sharif al-Hourani. “For the first four seasons we made ends meet by selling off Mr. Martin’s food challenge photos. He once ate an entire waiter before he could be told his order was coming right out.”

Reactions from the community and the ASoIaF fan base are worried, to say the least.

“It’s clear that a well fed person is a happy person,” University of Santa Fe gastronomist Paola Rodriguez points out. “The Night Stalker, Timothy McVeigh, Osama bin Ladin…they were all skinny as rails.”

“I’d expect the sixth novel to essentially be the recipe book of that cook that Tyrion hired away from Renly,” Tower of the Hand analyst Miles Schneidermann recently opined in a meandering post. “I’ve counseled that we call the banners and start hijacking bakery trucks and point them at Sante Fe, stat.”

Unreachable for comment, at press time, George RR Martin was last seen consuming a small village.

by Muttonface

  1. Anyone in the vicinity of Santa Fe, hurry, leave your leftovers out for GRRM.Trick or Treat? No!Give GRRM that delicious type B diabetus inducing candy! Don’t hold back!If you want to read TWoW, dig up your crazy neighbors buried armageddon bunker and send his end of the world dehydrated cheesecake to GRRM.
    This is as close to the end as is gets.

    • Tori says:

      Last time I was in Santa Fe, there was a very good veggie Indian restaurant in the historic district. Here’s wondering if that’s still there.

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