LONDON – The day that English animal control officials have feared since Lena Headey exploded onto the international movie scene has arrived. The noted actress has finally lost her humanity and gone fully feral.
The English star of stage and screen has always been only half tamed, UK Vet to the Stars Rosa Grant noted: “In her earlier roles, such as MacGuyver: Trail to Doomsday, one can hardly notice Headey’s animalistic nature. As her career progressed, however, one can clearly see her transforming to her true form. The cheekbones are sharper, the teeth curved and longer, the eyes slitted like a feline’s.” Grant said.
“Much like a jaguar, we believe Headey goes for a brain bite to subdue her prey,” Grant added. It is assessed her diet consists mainly of the dumpster outside of Miss Millie’s Fried Chicken, live horse hearts, and impudent bloggers.
Performers transforming into their true forms is nothing new. We must never forget Fairuza Balk’s metamorphosis into a pygmy marmoset, Angelina Jolie becoming a fish dog all of a sudden, and the tragic passing of Tom Hanks as he slowly turned into soft plastic and eventually melted after he was carelessly left on a hot radiator.
Headey was apprehended in a storm drain after a three-day long manhunt made up of twelve animal control officers, a veritable army of Game of Thrones fanboys, and fellow actor Charles Dance screaming, “DO AS YOU’RE BID!”
At press time, Headey was stalking in her cage back and forth, indiscriminately urinating, and sleeping restlessly in the branch of a tree.