ANGRYGOTFAN REVIEWS THE HOBBIT BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

Posted: December 18, 2014 in Uncategorized
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LAST NIGHT I DECIDED TO TAKE A TRIP TO THE MOVIE THEATER TO SEE EXODUS GOD AND KINGS STARRING BATMAN. UNFORTUNATELY, THE TICKETS WERE ALL SOLD OUT, SO I DECIDED TO TAKE A CHANCE ON A NEW FILM CALLED THE HOBBIT THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES. I DON’T OWN A TELEVISION OR THE INTERNET SO I HAD NOT SEEN ANY TRAILERS FOR IT, BUT ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE THEATER SEEMED REALLY EXCITED. AND WHEN I SAY REALLY EXCITED, WHAT I SHOULD ACTUALLY SAY IS, THEY WERE DRESSED UP IN ALL SORTS OF FANCIFUL FURRY COSTUMES AND MEDIEVAL CLOTHING LIKE IT WAS THE RENAISSANCE FAIRE – I ALWAYS ENJOY THE “REN FAIRE” AS WE CALL IT BACK HOME, AND SO IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD WAY TO SPEND THE EVENING. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE WERE NO TURKEY LEGS, SCOTCH EGGS, OR POTS OF GROG TO BE HAD AT THE THEATER, WHICH DIDN’T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME, SINCE IT SEEMED LIKE THE PERFECT TIME TO BE SELLING THEM, AS I TOLD THE TEENAGE GIRLS BEHIND THE COUNTER.

BUT NOW, ON TO THE MOVIE. THOUGH, I AM HESITANT TO REALLY CALL THIS A MOVIE IN THE CONVENTIONAL SENSE. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE THE HOBBIT IS A SORT OF BRAND NEW AND AVANT-GARDE KIND OF WORK, BUT IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE THE WHOLE THREE HOURS WAS JUST ONE BIG BATTLE SCENE AFTER ANOTHER WITHOUT ANY SETUP OR EXPLANATION TO ANYTHING. THERE WAS THIS AWESOME DRAGON IN THE BEGINNING THAT WAS SCORCHING THE TOWN AND KILLING LOTS OF PEOPLE, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT A DRAGON IS GOING TO DO, BUT THEN BART JUST KILLS HIM WITH AN ARROW AND THAT’S THE END OF MR DRAGON. I FEEL SORRY FOR THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED HIM BECAUSE HE HAD A GREAT VOICE AND WAS REAL GOOD AT SWOOPING, BUT HE ONLY GOT TO BE IN THIS MOVIE FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES.

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THEN, THE MOUNTAIN OF GOLD. THEY NEVER REALLY SAY WHY THE MOUNTAIN HAS SO MUCH GOLD IN IT, BUT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT AFTER THE MOVIE AND WE DISCOVERED IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF BANK WHERE ALL THE PEOPLE AND MONSTERS IN MIDDLEARTH LEAVE THEIR MONEY, BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEST PLACE TO DEFEND IT. ONLY THE KING OF THE BANK, THORN, GETS SUPER UPSET AFTER HAVING TO WATCH OVER EVERYONE ELSE’S MONEY WHEN HIS PERSONAL PAY IS SO LOW, SO HE DECIDES HE IS GOING TO TAKE ALL THE MONEY FOR HIMSELF.

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AS YOU WOULD EXPECT, THIS RANKLES A FEW CANKLES. SO, BART AND HIS FRIEND THE MOOSE-KING DECIDE TO HAVE A WAR AGAINST THE DWARFS. AT FIRST, IT LOOKS LIKE THE DWARFS ARE GOING TO GET THEIR LITTLE BUTTS KICKED IN, BUT THEN SOME REALLY BAD GUYS SHOW UP, AND THEY ARE THE UGLY ELVES (THEY’RE OBVIOUSLY BASED ON THE DARK ELVES FROM THOR), AND THE UGLY ELVES START FIGHTING EVERYBODY. THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GOT REALLY EXCITED. I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BATTLE AND EVEN THOUGH IT WENT ON FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF WHERE THERE WAS NO DIALOGUE OR PLOT, I WAS TOTALLY INTO IT.

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THE OTHER THING I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT IS WHY IS THIS MOVIE CALLED THE HOBBIT? IN THE WHOLE MOVIE, HOBBIT BARELY DOES ANYTHING. HE KIND OF TALKS TO A FEW PEOPLE, BUT HE’S REAL BAD AT FIGHTING, AND HE DID NOT HAVE THE PHYSIQUE WE HAVE COME TO EXPECT OF TODAY’S ACTION HERO. THE ONLY SUPERPOWER HE HAD WAS TO TURN INVISIBLE, WHICH IS DECENT, BUT EVEN HARRY POTTER CAN DO THAT. I’M NOT SURE WHY IT WAS SUCH A BIG DEAL THAT HE HAS AN INVISIBILITY RING, BUT FRANKLY, I DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS DUMB POWER RING PLOT AND I HOPE THEY FORGET ABOUT IT AS THE SERIES CONTINUES. WHAT IS HE A POWER RANGER?

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ALL IN ALL, THE HOBBIT WAS A GREAT ACTION FILM, BUT ITS ONLY PROBLEMS WERE FROM LACK OF EXPLANATION OR PLOT DEVELOPMENT. EVERYTHING WAS SO FINAL, AND CHARACTERS ARE DYING ALL OVER THE PLACE BEFORE WE GET A CHANCE TO REALLY FORM AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH THEM. I THINK WHAT THEY SHOULD DO IS MAKE MORE IN THIS SERIES THAT FLESHES OUT THE CHARACTERS AND THE STORY AND REALLY TELL THE STORY OF HOBBIT AND WHAT BECOMES OF HIS LIFE. I HOPE THEY MAKE LOTS OF SEQUELS AND I WILL BE THERE TO SEE THEM ALL!
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Comments
  1. Gala says:

    I think you haven’t noticed but The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies is actually the final film of a trilogy. 😉 Although this post does seem like a big sarcasm for not knowing The Lord of the Rings and the Tolkien world. 😛

  2. Bo Donovan says:

    So Excited!! Can’t wait to see it!!👍

  3. SO ITS LIKE IN BETWEEN SEASONS 4 AND 5?

  4. Padding and tying Hobbit and LOTR together too closely are my issues with The Hobbit. Jackson should have let the book and movie stand on it’s own. I’m going to reread the book to get some of the magic back. Oh and the CGI was dreadful, example – Bards horse riding up to the gates of the lonley mountain was terrible.

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