Lady Shelly’s predictions for Season 5:
1) Arya is going to invent a hand cream that can mask the smell of clams, cockles and oysters.
2) Jaime is going to develop severe acid reflux from eating so much spicy Dornish food. Sugar skulls will not be served.
3) Cersei will decide that long flowing locks are overrated and opt for a more Mia Farrow-esque haircut.
4) Trystane will show Myrcella a whole new world. No really, its not even the real Dorne.
5) The night will never be dark and full of turnips 😦 RIP PYP
6) Jon will find himself in need of a block. Three Finger Hobb needs a night off from butchering, you know? Oh, maybe Janos Slynt can help too!
7) Sansa will develop a taste for loud music and dark eyeliner – because emo chicks like that right?
8) Sam will find out that he’s lactose intolerant. Thank the Seven!
9) Dany will get married but only after she finds out that Drogo isn’t behind Door #2 and is forced to settle for some other dude.
10) We will FINALLY be able to use “as useless as nipples on a breastplate”.
11) Tyrion will emerge from his crate with a full beard and a new nose. He learned some makeup tricks from YouTube on his way across the Narrow Sea. Also he’s a ninja.
12) Theon will make some new friends in the Godswood. He might even remember his name. “Theon Theon it rhymes with peon.”
13) Jorah is going to fight in the Octogon! His finishing move will be a sharp shooter bc he idolized Bret Hart.
14) Brienne and Pod are going to sign up for a 2 week equestrian camp. Thank the Seven bc nobody wants to see Pod wobble in the saddle anymore.
15) AngryGotFan will require medical attention no less than 7 times this season. Luckily, he has a maester on speed dial (me).
Alright so here’s to a season filled with omissions of our favorite characters (Arianne), made up new ones (some slaver in Meereen) and overall Dave and Dan fanfic!