Another year arrives and we are left to ponder what wondrous changes our lord and saviors, David and Dan, will make to our favorite tv show. Will they remove a fan favorite, kill off characters who are otherwise alive in the book series, or implement their own fan fiction? Only R’hllor can tell, so let me look into the fire and give you the 15 things that WILL happen this upcoming season 5 of Game of Thrones.
1. Sansa, after turning to the dark side, perfects winged eyeliner, becomes the first Sith Lord, and murders Lord Baelish with the force.
2. Jon Snow loses all his hair due to stress and spends the entire season trying on wigs.
3. The Lannisters cosplay as RobbWind at Tommen’s wedding, confirming that there are really Furries in Westeros.
4. Brienne and Pod’s Excellent Adventure continues with them confronting their biggest threat yet……sexual tension.
5. Dany stares at the camera as she does nothing for 10 episodes. ALL THE EMMYS!
6. Arya decides being a stark is hazardous to her health, so she gets a makeover complementary of Revlon.
7. Stannis and Davos get drunk and do bro things together, pranking everyone at the Wall.
8. Balon finally dies of old age waiting for David and Dan to kill him.
9. Lady….wait for it……………just kidding. SHE IS NOT HAPPENING GUYS.
10. Tyrion reenacts the scene from the Hobbit where the dwarves hide in the barrels
11. David and Dan introduces Victarion Greyjoy, a cross dressing pirate with a love of poetry and beautiful dresses.
12.Instead of a strong, female character, we get another brothel scene. Thanks David and Dan!
13.Cersei has an existential crisis after her wine bearer asks her “Would you like Red or White Wine my Lady?”
14.”I have to hand it to you Ser Jaime, you really have a handle on this situation!” Doran Martell making all the snide hand jokes.
15. We find out the Great Other is Haviland Tuf.