The following is a transcript of North Korean glorious leader Kim Jong Un’s remarks at a ceremony in the resplendent Kumsusan Palace of the Sun:
(PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA) Heroic officers of the army, the navy, the air force and the strategic rocket throwing unit of the Korean People’s Army (KPA), the Worker-Peasant Fighters, labor camp youth volunteers, and overseas compatriots, comrades and friends, I welcome you here for this overjoyous occasion of the First Annual Aerys Targaryen Award for Valor, awarded to the editor and masters of WinterIsComing.Net.
The selection of the Aerys comes after a three-year process of which is both grinding and grueling. In fact, any nominated and not chosen for the award have now been ground into gruel, including the entire selection board – to ensure their impartiality. The valor of Aerys was proven time and again throughout his beloved and immortal reign over the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and I passionately congratulate the 2014 valor-oriented successes of WinterIsComing.net on your celebration of HBO’s Game of Thrones (which I created).
On January 1, in the year of Lord Kim 2014, you announced your partnership with matchless and impeccable intranet giant FanSided, an empire of over 250 web zones. Since that time you have courageously purged the chaff and non-believers from your court with heroism and dignity. Your relentless honor was of unquestionable beauty as you charged forward into the progress of a new direction for your writing and your people.
Gone are the weak and pitiful posts of uselessness such as discussing favorite characters from those boring books, source reports on updates to the show, or working to bring fans together with phenomenal showrunners Benioff and Weiss to aid in the actual casting process as happened in 2007-2010.
Now, our eyes and brainthoughts are treated to miracles of writing produced by you and your loyal staff of underlings such as endless reviews of television programs and even video games that have nothing to do with Game of Thrones, The Top Game of Thrones Pumpkins of Halloween, a 1400-word thesis titled ‘How Realistic Are Game of Thrones’ Teens’ which brilliantly included Talisa Meygar, an update on the Maze Runner sequel, a full 12 hard-hitting essays on cocktail drinks you can make that have something or other to do with Game of Thrones, and of course, offering readers the ability to purchase cologne to make you smell like Ser Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane. Simply marveliticity!
Truly, though it is in response to your demonically-possessed enemies, you have been resolute, fastidious, and borne the true spirit of King Aerys. When they have criticized you, you have denied and ignored them. When they have asked you for cooperation, you have crushed their ideas beneath your boot heel. When they have mocked you, you have blocked them, blocked them all!
One area where even I, great leader of House Kim, and you can share understanding is in the division of your people from what was first one unified site, into now two. Allow me to set the stage: After allying with fansided, WinterIsComing.net was seething with the joy of liberation. The editors returned triumphantly home to an enthusiastic welcome from the people. But all was not to end in happily peace and unity. Soon after the power situation was decided and the new path towards glorious future was embarkened, imperialist and feudalist factions rejected the unified democractic independent webzone and split the people in two alongstride the internet’s 38th Parallel. With the collusion of oligarchs and capitalist hegemons, they set up the puppet site “Watchers on the Wall,” a direct reference to the DMZ. They rigged up their portion of the people with help from the American-controlled United Nations, and of course led by the CIA.
As I award you today, I remind all that WinterIsComing.net represents the will of the entire Game of Thrones fan-community and declare it to the whole world. On Winter Is Coming, 99.97% of online poll-takers swore in the new editor. On Watcher on the Wall, 77.52% of the online electorate participated in the teeth of harsh reactionary repression. I pledge the might of the entire nuclear arsenal of the DPRK to you as well as the might of the 9.5 million strong Korean People’s Army, the largest military in the world.
We all know what must be done to bring them into to fold.
– Kim Jong Un