by Servant On Ice
INTERVIEW WITH TV GREGOR
This is apart of a special project for the ARMY OF ANGER, to interview TV Characters who were based on their Book Counterparts, since there were three different actors who have played Ser Gregor Clegane it is incumbent on us to interview the character to see what he thinks about his life, his death and his relation to the books. How does the character feel about Dave and Dan, and other things.
SERVANT ON ICE = SOI
TV GREGOR CLEGANE = GC
SOI: Good morning, thank you for taking the time to meet with me.
GC: Time? I am laying here stinking of wounds, I am dying while this old man is sucking out my blood.
SOI: Yes, you do know you are fictional character?
GC: You do know what I can still role over and strangle you.
SOI: Okay, we do have a modern weapon called a shotgun, with rifled slugs to take down big men like you.
GC: Okay, carry on.
SOI: Why do you think you are so hated Ser Clegane?
GC: Well, I think I am misunderstood, I think the migraines as they call them, have added to my character’s sympathy. I’m not all bad. Yes I have harmed some folks along the way but Dave and Dan have added to my depth.
SOI: Which part? You see the issue I have is that while you weigh about the same as the book character, your armour is all wrong. You also didn’t have a heavy shield during your duel with The Viper Martell, and you didn’t have on the surcoat with the seven pointed star over your Clegane stuff.
GC: Look hear you clown, listen, let me tell you something, I am the real deal, I am a man who has no regrets about the girls and women I terrorized, the men I have cut in half, the horses .. the horses . . (crying).
SOI: The Horses?
GC: You see Dave and Dan have no problem showing human beings dying and being harmed, but animals, we love animals . . animals are good, we liberals love animals and we can’t harm pets, no rats, nothing, I love the animals, please no more animal scenes, that poor bear, with the arrows and Grey Wind (sobbing).
SOI: So the human lives, the human pain, the human suffering, that doesn’t matter as much as a bunch of animals?
GC: Yes, PETA is fierce and the ASPCA . ohhhh the animals.
SOI: Now we have a problem here, in the books you didn’t care for anyone other than yourself, but you are an animal lover?
GC: Yes, now as I lay dying, while this chainless Maester works on me, I want you to know, you can do anything to anyone as long as they aren’t a bunny rabbit.
SOI: Okay, now the differences between your TV character and the books.
GC: BOOKS? WHAT BOOKS? Dave and Dan don’t believe in books, they are too busy taking tanning lessons, playing sorcery role playing games and thinking of ways to get the UFO to land with Daenerys and Harpo the Clown on it.
SOI: Good grief . (sweating)
GC: I know you are upset, I know you will miss me since I am misunderstood. Sandor fell into that fire, that Princess Martell, she and I were lovers, we had a consensual relationship, and the baby boy, well . . I will leave that to Dave and Dan to explain this season and the next. She loved me.
SOI: LOVED YOU? You killed her, she was frail, sickly, and trying to save her kid. You were a KNIGHT!! You raped, her, your murdered her, you killed her children.
GC: NO! She loved me, she wrote me letters, she told me that she needed a big strong man like me, she loved me . .
SOI: You must be delusional from the milk of the poppy.
GC: Sandor, my older brother didn’t like me, he didn’t give me a puppy.
SOI: OLDER BROTHER? You are older than Sandor, remember?
GC: No I’m not, I’m not older, look at my baby face, I’m younger than Sandor by a decade. Dave and Dan says age order don’t matter.
SOI: Dave and Dan have taken the books and burned them, they have ruined plots and have ignorant TV and internet audiences thinking that Daenarys name is, “Khaleesi” and that Stannis is a religious fanatic.
GC: Stannis is a faithful Republican, he is a Christian Republican and that is why Dave and Dan hate him, like all of us Hollywood types . .
SOI: You are from the Westerlands not from Hollywood, what have they done to your character!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GC: Oh, what do you see what they have in store for Jon Snow, for Daenerys, for Tyrion the Dragon King, oops!
SOI: Enough, do you think since you are 1 foot and 3 inches shorter but the same weight as book Gregor, that you are on steroids or some other type of chemical enhancers?
GC: (UGHHHH screaming) I am dying here, I need milk of the poppy or some poppy seeded rolls from that bakery in Belfast.
SOI: You are horrible, this has been the worst fictional character interview, ever.
GC: What do you expect!!!!! I have no dialogue, I didn’t travel with Arya look in the books, I didn’t do anything at all, I have had three different folks play me, and all I am known for is, “SWORRRDDDD.”
SOI: The first season Actor, he was perfect.
GC: Hey now, I know he is an MMA dude but I am strong, strong. Hey can I came back as STRONG M.C? A Westerorsi Rapper?
SOI: Goodness, this is getting worse, Elia Martell was your pen pal lover, okay then why is she dead?
GC: She slipped on a banana peel, like Stannis will, or she will end up choking on an ice cube like Melisandre will, after Melisandre marries Jon Snow . .Oops!
SOI: What? MEL WILL MARRY JON SNOW?
GC: Yep they will name their child, “Steam.” Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
SOI: You stink, you are dying and this Chainless Maester is looking at me weird, I am going back to the real world.
Chainless Maester: You know, Servant on Ice, you have good skin tone, do you want to hang out in our basement?
SOI: Qyburn, do you think that your character is like the books?
Qyburn: Yes, I do, I am old, white, cruel and sneaky.
SOI: Okay, but in the books you appear trustworthy, but on the TV show you look like a used car salesman.
Qyburn: Yes, and I am taller in the books, but that’s not the point. Gregor, Ser Gregor, needs rest, leave or end up in my basement, do you understand?
SOI: Fine, but doesn’t it bother you that Ser Gregor is just a dull character, he rapes, he kills, he kills, he rapes. Why no depth to him like the other villains in the story?
Qyburn: Some men are just monsters, Ramsay, has no depth, Joffrey, has no depth, Euron Crows Eye, has no depth, Vic Greyjoy, has little depth, they are just bad dudes and bad women who do bad things.
SOI: Isn’t that lame? Villains with motives like Charles Vane, Captain Flint, Floki, Norman and Norma Bates, Walter White, Tony Soprano, Nucky Thompson, etc. They matter, they develop a series.
Qyburn: I agree, but you are talking about shows with good writers, this show is written by Dave and Dan, they like tossing in bare boobs unnecessarily, they have screwed up the timeline, they have eliminated essential characters, they have tossed GRRM’s genius to the side for their own gain, for ratings, for their liberal gospel, for their own purposes.
SOI: Hmmm how about we take Dave and Dan and toss them in the basement?
Qyburn: I can’t, they sign the paychecks and I need coin.
GC: So do I, but wait, I’m dying, . .. and I’m shorter than in the books, and Elia Martell, she loved me, you hear, she loved me, I am going to be the heir to House Martell, I am going to the Knight that was promised.
Qyburn: Go to sleep, go to sleep, my lil Gregor, go to sleep lil Gregor, or your big Brother Sandor will get you.
SOI: HE’S older than Sandor . .nevermind.
This concludes this disaster known as an character interview of Ser Gregor,he’s dying if not dead, he has no remorse, and he has bad writing to aid his destruction as the entire story has been destroyed already.