Santa Fe, NM
Sources confirmed yesterday that HBO Game of Thrones execs David Benioff and D.B. Weiss have committed “egregious body assault” against the A Song of Ice and Fire book series while simultaneously disabling the author’s car.
George R.R. Martin left his hacienda for his daily trip to Pantry Restaurant for his usual takeaway picnic basket of chicken fried steak, meatloaf, a Pantry Burger, and the establishment’s famed Carne Asada plate when his custom made purple Tesla would not start. Police found a gelatinous mixture of high-grade premium gasoline and the pure confectioner’s sugar bubbling forth from its gas tank later in the day.
The Bram Stoker Award winning wordsmith was puzzling over his vehicle when an assault took place on the collective manuscripts of the A Song of Ice and Fire book series at GRRM’s home. This is the second break-in at GRRMs home in recent months.
Authorities said that Game of Thrones executives David Benioff and Daniel Weiss, popularly known as “D&D”, broke into Martin’s home while he was distracted. The pair of assailants then entered into Martin’s study and performed acts “inadvisable in even a Yunkish brothel” to the A Song of Ice and Fire manuscripts. Studies show, 85-90% of assaults are perpetuated by someone the victim knew.
“When we found them there was almost nothing left,” Sante Fe police lieutenant Benny Chavez told reporters. “I won’t go into detail, but I won’t be forgetting that crime scene for the rest of my life.”
At press time, D&D had easily met their $750,000.00 bail from the proceeds of sales of Hodor T-shirts, dragon stuffed animals, and Tyrion Pop! figurines.