Breaking: Game of Thrones Announces it Will Kill More Book Characters

Posted: May 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

(Hollywood, CA) Citing the memorable Ser Barristan Selmy death scene in last week’s episode, HBO has confirmed they will be killing off even more characters this season who are still alive in the book series.


“Viewers were shocked and awed when ol’ Eddie Stark lost his head in season 1,” HBO businessbro Allen Smith told reports. “Through the ensuing seasons we’ve killed off a character here, a character there.”

Each time, Smith shared, ratings spiked as word of mouth got around.

“It all started when Ed killed off M’Lady, or whatever Sansa’s wolf was called,” Smith explained. “That was how we tested the audience, to see what they could take. If they could take the traumatizing death of a furry animal they would keep watching after anything. We even killed a whole city of babies and blamed it on Joffrey instead of Cersei, remember that?! Numbers on the board, baby!”

With the landmark deaths of Renly, Robb and Catelyn, and others Game of Thrones cemented its new formula.

“Jojen was the test, but Barristan was different, bigger. Because from what the nerds in the office tell me he’s like a general in some boring battle with brown people and definitely not dead in the books. Yet.” Smith stated. “There’s a buzz about it. He didn’t even do anything noteworthy on the show besides grouse a lot. And his death was completely arbitrary, but people are eating it up!”

With that in mind, HBO has announced plans to kill off much more book characters, even ones who are central to the plot.

“Littlefinger? Gone. Cersei? Dead, like, yesterday. Sansa we’re thinking of lowering into boiling oil while people jab her with lances.”

“We’re trying to do a whole allegory thing between the boss saints in Christianity, which I’m pretty sure the Seven is based on.” Smith further explained. “Characters like Stannis or Daenerys or whoever will get stoned, burned alive, and so on. Tyrion is going to get crucified upside down and Jaime is going to get hit with a tomahawk. It’s all pretty gruesome and it can double as shallow social commentary.”

By season’s end, Smith said, the show will be nothing but 50 minutes of wide open vistas, vacant castles, and the occasional shot of the inside of an empty brothel, all while Game of Thrones show fans and media continue to watch and defend all the senseless killings as “epic.”

“Cha-Ching!” Smith added, flexing a bicep.



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