Study Finds A Song of Ice and Fire Boosts Heightism Against Men

Posted: May 12, 2015 in Uncategorized


(Pasadena, CA) A new study conducted by societal researchers at CalTech finds that George R.R. Martin’s seminal fantasy series is fueling heightism against men of shorter stock.

The realm of Westeros is full of tall men. Gregor Clegane, the Mountain that Rides, is nearly eight feet tall. His brother, the Hound, is described as being, “tall” and “muscled like a bull.” The trio of Baratheon kings, Robert, Stannis, and Renly, are all described as big men, and attractive to boot.

CalTech scientists conducted a poll of women active on the Tumblr blogging website who professed to love the series and found that, overall, they prefer taller men.

“I have a special place in my heart for men who don’t measure up,” one woman answered. “The friendzone. If GRRM wouldn’t describe you as at least ‘tall’, GTFO. Sure the Mountain’s a mixed bag, no one’s perfect, but, honey” she trailed off, careening her neck back and duckfacing.

“What bothers me most is how he only describes them as ‘tall’,” another woman stated with frustration. “Jaime Lannister, Vargo Hoat, Barristan Selmy. How tall are they, exactly? I need numbers for my Tumblr states page. My followers and I are going to rank them.”

“I’d be gay for Brienne,” the woman added.

The heightism in ASoIaF is readily apparent and it’s hurting men, Men’s Rights Activist Matty Van Horn wrote in his blog:

“I’m five feet 9 inches, which is actually on the taller side of average. But thanks to women dreaming of the Kingslayer every time they have some man on top of them I’m getting heightzoned. When I am repeatedly messaging a woman online I tell her how tall I am. Before I get the ‘ive’ out in ‘five’ she’s got me blocked. I’m pretty sure one of them even called the police on me last week to file a report.”

“Kings and knights should be tall,” Van Horn continued. “Why do you think Joffrey died so quickly? Short. Don’t even get me started on King Aerys. Sansa goes out of her way to say how there aren’t many knights so little, and then swoons all over Ser Loras the Knight of Flowers when everyone knows that ain’t gonna happen, no matter how many upskirt pics she “leaks” online.”

At press time, women were seen posting on various social media outlets explaining that since Ser Barristan Selmy’s actor stood a mere 5’8″ while another posted “janos slynt was like five six id tell him i never got his text.” Agreement was also found that Sophie Turner has exceeded female height restrictions and must be dealt with.

  1. Nigel Overstreet says:

    “Why do you think Joffrey died so quickly? Short.”

    Hey! He was tall for his age.

  2. The Truth says:

    You’re wrong about Robert Baratheon. He is 6’6″ and one of the tallest characters in the books, period.

    From Book 1:

    “Fifteen years past, when they had ridden forth to win a throne, the Lord of Storm’s End had been clean-shaven, clear-eyed, and muscled like a maiden’s fantasy. Six and a half feet tall, he towered over lesser men, and when he donned his armor and the great antlered helmet of his House, he became a veritable giant. He’d had a giant’s strength too, his weapon of choice a spiked iron warhammer that Ned could scarcely lift. “

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