THE LADY AND THE TRUMP
The first time Donald Trump locked eyes with her, he built a tower straight to Sansa’s heart. Sansa knew he had won her faster than he had won the support of the Night’s Watch due to their similar views on immigration. Named Lady of Winterfell and Warden of the North after King Stannis won the Iron Throne, Sansa’s next duty was to find a suitable husband. She needed someone strong. Someone with the resources and knowhow to rebuild the war-torn North. The Donald was all those things and more. The way he held himself as a true lord. The way he spoke with the confidence of a great leader. The way his hair fell onto his forehead and neck and ears and kind of on one shoulder but not the other. Yes, he is the one for me, thought Sansa.
Still, she could not give away her affectation too easily. Many others had come calling to woo her hand in marriage in the year since Sansa had ordered the quartering of Daenerys. Ravens had flown from as far away as Price Trystane in Sunspear, and many had arrive from Lord Theon on Pyke. She had instructed Maester Samwell to respond with only vague courtesy. They were ardent callers, but not right for the first Lady Stark of Winterfell in her own right. A hasty marriage to The Donald, however, and rumor and folly would spread throughout the lands, and the specter of another war would rise.
Sansa glaced back from the window-well at The Donald who was sitting backwards in one of the wooden chairs in the Great Hall.
“Listen, Sansa, I know this is a big decision for you,” he started. “But let me tell you something, we will be phenomenal. I will cherish you as much as a I cherished my first two wives, and my own mother, and my daughter even. I have many women that work for me. I am going to do great things for women. Great things. Very, very, very good things.”
Sansa replied, “That you may, but what will you do for the North?”
“The North? Look, and now what I mean is, I will be a yuge game-changer for the North. Yuge. I mean. I am very, very, very smart, and I have a lot of respect for the Northerners. I’ve put a lot of Blood of the First Men to work in my castles and keeps, and let me tell you, they absolutely, demonstably, love me. They love me! My whole body is ready for this. I’m not just saying this, Saaanca Stark, I’m going to do it,” he smiled and put on his big red hat that said MAKE WESTEROS GREAT AGAIN.
“But what of the threats from the east?” Sansa implored. She was growing impatient at this Pentoshi landmonger’s boiterousness and needed definite answers. She wanted to marry him so much her heart was about to jump out of her chest like Mola Ram in Temple of Doom. They were both beautiful, they were both gingers, it made so much sense. Even still, she put the needs of her people above her own desires, unlike the idiot Daenerys who was now quartered.
“Threats from the East?” The Donald threw up his forefinger as only he could and continuted. “They’re killers. They are killers.They are. I am glad you bring it up, because China. China. China! China. China? China China China. China! China? China-China. Chinny-Chinny-Chin-Chin-Cheroo.”
“Yes, that is an issue as well,” Sansa broke in, “but I also mean the rising chaos in Slaver’s Bay. One the ‘Mhysa’ abandoned the cities she had conquered, the former slaves rose up in a blood orgy of brutality and violence and installed one of their own a new emperor. Just like Haiti. Now their vengefulness is spreading across the continent, and they have brokered a treaty with the Dothraki.”
“Those whiners? These slave losers? They’re losers, what a bunch of goofballs. And to be honest, I’m going to be honest with you, Saaanca, they’re boring. Daenerys she did an absolutely horrible job. She should be ashamed of herself if she were still alive. And she was an extremely unattractive woman, but I wouldn’t say that because I’m always politically correct. Now, I will crush them, just crush them. There’s so much going on with these buffoons here in the realm. So much. You know, Jaime Lannister apologized to me the other day, he did, but I will not accept his apology. I will be suing him for a lot of money. What an irrelevant clown, he thinks he can be Lord Commander when he doesn’t even have a hand! Look at him he sweats and shakes nervously as he talks about me. Has zero cred. Zero. And I hear that sleepy eyes Davos will be fired like a dog! I can’t imagine what is taking so long! Then Stannis? Stannis did really poorly on television this morning. I hope he is ok, I do, because I love him and he is a good guy, but he needs a new pair of glasses.”
At that moment, Sansa knew. She walked over to The Donald and stared at him deeply until he stopped ranting and looked down at her. He’s so fragile, so vulnerable, she thought. He stepped back and brought up his hand, putting in into his trademark thumb and forefinger to deliver her to the snap words so many had heard before. But just before he could, she grabbed his hand and laced her thin fingers in with his.
Staring into his eyes she said, “You’re hired.”